Being a tri-treatise on Crab strategy in the Rokugan timescape today.

They come looking for strategy maybe.  They come looking for a look inside the Crabs head, to see what makes him thick.  Tick.  Spoon!  Thats what makes the Crabs Tick, we're nigh invulnerable dammit.  The Crab can't be killed, can't be hurt, can't be tricked. Sticks and stones may break our bones but we're gonna break your face.  We can't be beaten by military because no-one can take a province off the Crab.  When you absolutely positively have to kill every Unicorn in the room - Crab.  Accept no substitute.  You can't win by enlightenemnt, because you have no one with lower chi than us.  We can't be beaten by Honour runners be- It doesnt matter why we can't be beaten by honour runners!

The Crab have the plan, and we love it when it comes together.  Build it, and they will come.  One at a time, into the Onis jaws, into the Engineers traps, into Zunguris arms, we can kill 'em all and let Lord Sun sort 'em out.  So they can't take us, can't break the walls down, so what do they do?  They try to win without winning, try to claim victory without claiming a Victory - what does the Crab have to say about that?  The Crab says this - when they try this, show 'em what it means to be a Crab - remind them of Kisada, and his funeral and how to die, remind them of the Return of Fu Leng, and how Yakamo singlejadehandedly cleaned the floor with his ugly ass, of How to live.  If they wangle their way around this, then throw some dishonour at their candy asses, remind them of the command of the Kami "Know thy role" and have Taka shine up that den of spies and stick it staight up their - , what, if thats not to your taste, then simple, beat the jabroni at their own game, have "Hiruma" Yoshi sensei hold 'im down, and get to 40 the real way.  Deeds not words baby, send Taka to the shops and hit the market on the way home to bring home the painting and you're at 40:  Hail to the King baby, Gimme some sugar.

So theres the Crab, nigh-damn-invulnerable.  Theres the opposition, looking for their mommy if they know you've got in in the bag, and even better looking smug for all the wrong reasons coz they don't, thats when the Crab can't lose.  Don't hate him, just Pity the Fool.

So thats one in the bag two to go, we be fast and they be slow, and you better belive the Crab van is fast. Helluva fast.  But sometimes when the Crab come to gain honour and kick ass, they run out of honour. Well thats a damn shame, but fortunately for us when the going get tough, the Crab have their Crane done rare.  Its like the recipe for a quiche, gaining honour, it always ends in throwing it out the window and eating a phoenixburger.  Amoro may be a few morals short of a samurai, but he'd still like 5 minutes alone with you, that baby seal and the 4x4.  The Crab never Ever lose.  But sometimes, just sometimes, the Crab won't win.  Thats not losing, thats just setting up for the crowbar beating in the car lot afterwards. Then transform and roll out.

Crabs come in all shapes, sizes and attitudes, but we're all big, blue and pissed off.  If you're not down with that, the Crab got 2 words for ya:
"Bzzzzz".


But some Crabs have a vision, a hope, a dream.  And a damn tail.  These Crabs go for the third option:  Not attack, not defend, but emigrate.  Living in the land of Nezumi and Naga, these guys make Welsh human-sheep relations look tame.  Thats ok too, call a spade a spade, call a Crab a Crab.  So long as the dude is willing to stand up for the clan so badass they named a venereal disease after us, then thats a Crab.  Through and through.

And that, my friend, is True.

Hida Kazuya

ps Crab in trouble?  Need help?  Who ya gonna call?  If you can find us in the LA underground,
crabclan@egroups.com.  We Can rebuild you - make you better.  Faster.  Crabber.