Given the amount of controversy and fun that has come out some debates recently about clans I thought of doing a rather irreverent ‘What Clan are you (playing against)?’ Many times, new players are bombarded by people saying, "Join my Clan!" My guide is not only intended to help them identify which clan they might be but also the nature of those that they will meet in each clan. I will deal only with the clans in gold for the benefit of new players. Those who are easily offended – look away now.

Spotting a Clan player in Real Life

Crane players tend to be hairdresser and fashion designers, or the typical local government bureaucrat, that says things like "I’d love to help you but I am afraid that is not my responsibility." They very often have good well-paid jobs and a very boring home life – this leads to cross-dressing as a main pass-time.

Dragons are all role-players and therefore neither have a ‘real-life’ or in fact a life of any kind. They are easy to spot as they will be the ones that start every conversation with "I had this character once…" Twenty minutes later you will realise that you have neither been listening to or understanding them – this is the mystery of the language of the Dragon.

Scorpions are liars. All of them. Every word they ever say is untrue. They think that this makes them the keepers of secrets and dark facts. The rest of the world in fact knows that if they see a Politician, Property Salesman, Car Dealer or Bank Manager they were probably once a Scorpion in L5R.

Unicorns are all hippies at heart. They are constantly unemployed and are much more likely to use recreational drugs than other clan players, which they see as being ‘alternative’ and believe that the rest of society is out of step with them.

Crabs are all Sewerage ‘Technicians’, Refuse Collectors, Boiler Cleaners or similar. The job always has to be both physical and something that nobody else would want to do - ever. They will remind you of this latter fact all the time. Usually when you are eating. At night they all work as bouncers.

Shadowlands players always have very normal jobs, are very pleasant people have very few distinguishing characteristics and certainly have nothing that would cause the police to want to interview them. Their preferred hobbies include contract killing, mugging and mass-murder. Most of them are in counselling to help them get over their ‘issues’.

Lions were all the people that were voted ‘most likely to succeed’ in school but never did. They often have jobs involving uniforms that actually have no power. They will always be very authoritarian, do everything by the rules ("Its more than my jobs worth you know ") and when confronted with their lack of ability to do anything useful go bright red, get twitching veins in their temples and have bloodshot eyes. Those that achieve anything always become sports coaches where they can both bully people and get glory through the actions of others.

Phoenix players tend to be alcoholics. They often embark on the more creative careers of artists and entertainers. Unfortunately, their ambition gets twisted by their failures, or the odd ‘bad choice’ and they usually are found working as buskers and graffiti artists.

 How to recognise your opponent’s clan before they reveal a stronghold

If  you went to the pairings board and saw a man’s name, but appear to be sat opposite a beautiful young woman at the table your opponent is a Crane.

If, as your opponent approaches the table, their width is clearly too much for their height they are a Crab. Alternatively if the pairings board said you were playing a woman and you find yourself opposite a very ugly man then you are playing Crab.

If you try to make light conversation with your opponent and all he does is sweat, a lot, and glare at you and obviously can’t wait to get started he is a Lion

If your opponent takes one look at you, starts salivating and inhaling in short sharp breaths through his teeth, whilst at all times having a calm dead-pan look on his face you are almost certainly facing a shadowlands player.

If your opponent appears to be fixated by an object that is two feet behind you and 6 inches above your right shoulder, but every time that you turn round there is nothing there they are a Phoenix

If you have no opponent they are probably a Scorpion – look under the table, they’ll probably be hiding with a big grin thinking that they are being clever and full of dark secrets.

If your opponent is there physically but appears to be mentally in a different world then they are a Dragon

If your opponent comes running up to the table for your battle at the last minute, drops all his cards, mutters an unintelligible apology, bends over and picks them up and bangs his head on the table he is a Unicorn.

Spotting a clan player in a Bar Fight

The Crane is the one who calls someone out very quietly so they don’t here and then hides under the table.

The Unicorn is the one who runs in from the side punches somebody that isn’t looking and then dives over a table

The Crab is the big one hitting people with the table, alternatively they may be the table

The Scorpion is the one who started the rumour that caused the fight and then left the bar a minute before it started

The Lion is the one in the middle of the room trying to fight by ‘Marquis of Queensbury’ rules while getting kicked between the legs by the other Scorpion that stayed behind

The Dragon is the one that always gets up, gets between two protagonists, tries to reason with them as to why they shouldn’t fight and then gets hit by both.

The Shadowlands player is the one that starts hitting everybody regardless of whose side they are on, if in a group they will very often hit each other in confusion

The Phoenix are the ones that go round stealing everyone else’s drinks while they aren’t looking in order to better understand why alcohol leads to violence

Famous players from the Clans

Mussolini and Napolean were both Lion players.

Ronald Reagan started out as Shadowlands Horde, but has switched to Dragon more recently.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was a Crab from Imperial as was Sylvester Stalone.

Michael Jackson took up Crane around about the release of Anvil of Despair

Richard Nixon and Margaret Thatcher were both famous Scorpions

Prince Charles uses Phoenix in storyline tournaments